by Noah Beaver
Have you ever watched a movie that was so bad, you hated it to the very fiber of your being, and you were sure others did to? And yet, you were in the minority of people who hate it? That’s me with Moulin Rouge. Both critics and casual audience patrons have praised this film for it’s “originality” and “stunning visuals”. Because we all know that there’s nothing more original then songs we’ve already heard and camera work so unprofessional, it makes the videos I took with my Kodak Easy Share in Elementary school look like The Godfather. What’s the story?
In the year 1899, Christian, a young English writer, has come to Paris to follow the Bohemian revolution taking hold of the city’s drug and prostitute infested underworld. And nowhere is the thrill of the underworld more alive than at the Moulin Rouge, a night club where the rich and poor men alike come to be entertained by the dancers, but things take a wicked turn for Christian as he starts a deadly love affair with the star courtesan of the club, Satine. But her affections are also coveted by the club’s patron: the Duke, who wants to marry her, but her heart only belongs to Christian. The Duke notices that she is very distant from him, but spends a lot of time with Christian. So, he then demands that Satine sleeps with him, or he’ll shut down the Mulin Rouge, and he’ll kill Christian. Will Satine sleep with him, and never see Christian again? Or will she choose her love for him, and endanger his life, while also having the Mulin Rouge shut down?
The biggest problem with this movie, are the film cuts. For those who don’t know, a film cut is usually a trivial film transition from one sequence to another. For Moulin Rouge, none of them are trivial. They are constant. Don’t believe me? Watch this scene from the Avengers:
As you can see, there are a lot of cuts, and most of them don’t really have any reason to be there, other than to keep the viewer distracted by showing eye candy. Now compare that to this scene from Moulin Rouge:
That scene wasn’t the only one with cuts so quick they make The Avengers look like 2001 A Space Odyssey in comparison, it’s every single scene in the movie that does it. All of them. No matter the mood. If your watching this movie, you can entertain yourself by counting the number of shots that last more than 3 seconds. I guarantee, you’ll be able to count them with your fingers alone, despite the fact this movie is 2 hours long. And the thing is, this is a beautiful movie. You can tell that there was so much passion being put into the sets, not to mention well-choreographed dancing. But I can’t admire it, because the cuts won’t let me. It’s an eyesore to try to watch Moulin Rouge, I don’t know weather I hate the camera work more or Christen.
I forgot to mention one thing about Christian: he is a moronic wingbat who doesn’t deserve any love. I am not exaggerating when I say that he is the most despicable human being in both fiction and nonfiction. My hatred for him runs deeper than all the world’s dictators and politicians combined. I despised him in the beginning of the movie because he didn’t have any noticeable character traits other than being solo edgy. It the middle, I hated both him and Satine because I didn’t see any connection between them, no common interests, no bickering, nothing except for the fact they both like sex. But the end is when my disdain turned to pure hatred. At the final act, Satine has to sleep with the Duke, or else he’ll kill Christen (and just to be clear, Christen knew that Satine was engaged to the Duke, and that there was danger of them being together). Satine doesn’t tell Christen this, and just says that she’s going to marry the Duke, and also never see him again. The thought doesn’t occur to Christen that maybe SATINE IS DOING THIS FOR HIS WELL-BEING, and calls her all kinds of four letter words while she’s acting in a play, in front of an audience. But because Satine loves him oh so much, instead of dumping him/shanking him, she decided to just sing about how much she loves him. Yeah, I guess being called that kind of stuff in front of an audience doesn’t have any impact on her. So Christen starts singing, and then the other stage actors do. And so, after the moral of singing your insults away is over, the movies is over. Except IT’S NOT BECAUSE SATINE DIES! Yup, Satine dies in Christian’s arms from a disease she has, and Christian cries over his “love”. The movie then ends with him monologuing, and this 2 hour train wreck is finally over.
This is a disaster of staggering proportions. There is so much wrong with this movie, I couldn’t write them all even if I wrote a whole novel about them. Are there any good qualities? Well, there are some parts where the actors overact, more specifically scenes with the Duke and Harold Zidler. Would I recommend watching it? Well, so many people love it (I’ve checked, none of them love it ironically), so by a majority opinion, yes. But I recommend to take my advice: come what may, this is a movie of yesterday.
Article written by Noah Beaver, Published on February 10th, 2017