Dear Carter,

By Carter Bearden

Dating Devices


Dear Carter,
I’m sexy, single, and ready to mingle. So why don’t any chicks want to date me? I know it’s not my fault for the reasons previously mentioned, so tell me, how DO I pick up chicks, without getting any other restraining orders?

Dear Reader, women don’t just want a bodacious beefcake to use as their plaything. They want a more modest representation of a male. At least, that’s what i’ve been telling myself for the past few years. A woman wants someone to connect to with feelings and stuff. And if you don’t have a personality or you have a bad personality. I can’t help you too much Reader, because none of these factors of which I am top of my class in have worked to get the ladies. I will, however, continue to give you my wonderful advice.

Step one: put on a mask. Why be yourself when you can be someone much better? This is why I am never myself around anyone. I know it works because I have fooled so many people into thinking that I am many times the person I really am.

Step two: lead the conversation. Whenever you are talking to a female, dominate the conversation with your testosterone fueled masculinity. This shows that you are strong and a good leader, and that is really attractive.

Step three: dress to unimpress. A good first impression is going to go so far for your future relationship. If you want to seem approachable and cool, don’t go all out on your clothing. Just wear whatever you would on a rainy saturday. When people see this they go “Wow that person doesn’t care what other people think about him, that must mean he’s super down to earth and cool!” This is why you will always catch me wearing an unwashed shirt and sweatpants.

I hope that these dating tips work for you, and have a pretentious parsec.


Cool Carter


Dear Carter, why are you so cool?

I really don’t know. That is actually a lie, I do know but I am just so humble that I act like I don’t know why. I say that last sentence in the most humble way. I guess I am so cool because the people around me just aren’t. Way back when, while I was in the eighth grade, my cool started to emerge. I played the viola, and had a folder of hot pepe memes on my phone.

Since the emergence of my cool those few years ago, the coolest parts of me have grown exponentially. I really can’t help you find a definite answer, as it just comes naturally to me. Thank you for the question, and have a profound party!


Question Quarrel

Dear, Carter, what question do you hate to answer?

Dear Reader, I really hate it when people ask “What’s up?” Not because I don’t like talking to people, but because I never know how to respond. I used to just say nothing, but something clicked in me, and I then saw it as a greeting.

Now when someone asks me, I go through my options of answers which consist of: nothing, hey, or what’s up. In my mind I know that the expected answer from the asker is hey, but due to my previous habit of answering with nothing, these two thoughts conflict. Usually a jumbled up form of a greeting comes out, like “wh- hey” or “nmm- hello” or something awkward like that.  

It’s just not my favorite social interaction, and makes me feel awkward sometimes. But anyways, thank you for the question, and have a repetitive rhyme!


Squad Stigma


Dear All-Knowing Carter, What are we, some kind of Suicide Squad?

3/10. Bad use of an old meme with no context. Very poor meme and meme usage so I suggest that you improve your meme game and come back to me with something better. Thank you for your question, and have a salivating syrup.

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