Horoscope 5

By Odessa Green

Hello Dearies, your favorite Auntie is here! Get ready for a very interesting week.

 

Aries:

It looks like like you’ve got what might be the best week of the year for you. It started off well and just keeps getting better. You’re like that guy who won three lotteries in the same week, except with life!

Taurus:

Oh dear, I’d stay away from risky romantic gestures this week. This may not be your week in any number of ways, but your romantic destiny is, to put it mildly, at the bottom of the world’s biggest landfill, which has been set on fire, and nobody is trying to put it out because it’s ugly and they hate it anyway.

Gemini:

You’ve got very high luck with money, but that means both good and bad. With great risk, comes great reward. Or, possibly, great failure. You just have to ask yourself: “Is it worth the risk?”

Cancer:

Life is like a salad, except this salad is made from Walmart lettuce. Most of the time, you’ll get a big bite of juicy, genetically modified goodness, but sometimes half a leaf has turned rancid and rotten and it feels like you’ve got a mouthful of slug slime. That little bit of nasty, is your luck with time management. Things this week will be great, just don’t overload yourself dearie.

Leo:

You will step on a dog turd this week, metaphorically and quite possibly physically as well.

Virgo:

I know you need a foot massage this week, but you’re very much out of luck. Stay inside, lock the doors, keep the lights on, sleep only when you have to.

Libra:

Well look at you Princess! Give yourself a nice big pat on the back and say hello to a wonderful new week. Go out, take risks, be the beautiful butterfly you are and and life will reward you every time. At least for this week.

Scorpio:

Your week is so good, it it were any better your sweat would smell like roses and you would defecate gold.

Sagittarius:

Your week will have it’s ups and downs in the way a rollercoaster ride does. Great to terrible in the blink of an eye, at least you can say you won’t be bored. Grab your best pair of pants and your first aid kit and prepare for a bumpy ride.

Capricorn:

Prepare for bouquets of roses and a surprise return of favors. Lent money to a friend, you’ll get it back this week. Have a crush, you should tell them this week. Want to make a new friend, this week is your best friend. On the downside, you may get food poisoning.

Aquarius:

The only thing you have luck with is money. Buy a lottery ticket and some comfort ice cream, because both are exactly what you need,

Pisces:

Mild good luck is coming your way. Not brilliant, accidentally finding ten tons of gold when planting a rose garden good luck, but the kind of good luck that means you can wear ten inch heels and not break both ankles. Have a mildly fun week, and try a new flavor of ice cream out for your precious Auntie, it might just become your new favorite!

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