By Noah Beaver
Let me make myself clear: Minions is not a good movie. It’s the greatest work of all time. It proves itself to not only be completely necessary and made without any intentions other than the duty of releasing true art, it not only makes literally everything else pale in comparison (with the exception of Despicable Me, that gets second place, Sing gets third), but it has proved that an animated movie doesn’t just have to be intended for children: it can be intellectual and artistic, just like all the others.
Our story starts with explaining the origin of Minions. It turns out, they were created from evolution millions of years ago before humans. A truly remarkable and very necessary origin story, after all, I can’t see how else a race of yellow creatures who served an evil genius in the original movie could have been created any other way. Anyway, from the very beginning of their evolution, Minions had only one purpose in life: to serve an evil master, the most evil one they can find. They may be immortal, and they may be able to create their own societies with housing and entertainment, but without a master, they have no purpose.
Anyway, after serving Napoleon Bonaparte, the Minions find a cave in the snowy wasteland. They build a colonization with homes and entertainment, but they eventually realize that their lives are meaningless without a master. So they decide to send 3 minions off into the world so that they can find a master. Those Minions are the main characters, Kevin, Stewart, and Bob.
The wacky and hilarious trio eventually find their way to America, during the 60’s, meaning the Minions were dwelling in their ice cave for at least 159 years. Which is too bad, I can think of one particular bad guy they could have served. You know, the one with the cool mustache. Anyway, they find the most evil bad guy of all time: and it’s a woman! Yup, her name is Scarlet Overkill, and she has the most evil weapon of all time: screaming! I would go into more detail over the masterpiece that makes Citizen Kane look like bird crap, but quite frankly, the plot is much too complicated for your fragile little minds to even comprehend.
To see the full mastery of this godlike movie studio who constructed this masterpiece, compare them to this other crap company called ‘Pixar’. To be clear, they aren’t sell outs: that would indicate they were sold in to begin with. Every single movie they’ve made has been nothing more than an attempt to brainwash people to buy their merchandise, particularly our children. Just look at one of their many terrible movies titled ‘Finding Nemo’. It uses a completely unrelatable story with so many obvious cliches, it’s animation is very outdated (I mean just look at it), and worst of all: it has violence! The only reason this ocean turd is memorable at all is because it tries it’s best to scar your children with the first act! And this is unforgivable, chlidren should never be shown movie violence, after all, all us good parents know that they’re not actually going to encounter any in reality! So why show them any at all? Children are obviously to delicate for the real world, that’s why a parent who’s actually sensible would agree that the best way to raise them is to lock them indoors away from all outside communication and real world events.
And that’s why I give this tear of god 9/10 stars. I took one away because this movie was so well constructed, my eyes melted off my face from it’s sheer beauty, and the hospital bill was pricey. Too bad I couldn’t have gotten better insurance with Trump Care! Anyway, when you inevitably decide to watch this masterpiece, make sure to wear shades, because the future with Minions is so bright!