Dear Carter 4

Dear Carter, what’s the best anime?

Dear Reader, as an anime connoisseur, I am able to give you a deep answer to this question. Starting off slow, let’s define the best genre of anime. Now if we say that there are five main genres of anime, those being: Action, Romance, comedy, drama, and magic. Let’s figure this out.

Let’s start with action. Otherwise known as shonen jump, this form of anime focuses on action scenes, with a main hero who goes on a journey and grows as a person. Some of the best action animes are: Dragon Ball Z, Naruto, Attack on Titan, and Soul Eater. This is a great genre for everyone, is fun to watch, and contains elements of other genres like romance and drama.

Speaking of, let’s talk about the romance genre. It’s trash. So boring and lame, you can’t help but just fall asleep while you’re watching any romantic japanimation. It’s just the worst. However, there are some diamonds in the rough. Very small, poor quality diamonds, but diamonds nonetheless. Some of these are Hotarubi no Mori e, Nodame Cantabile, and Ookami to Koushinryou. Romance is really just its own thing. It doesn’t draw from any other genres (usually), and It mainly just focuses on two characters falling in love. It’s boring and overdone.

Comedy; Comedy is always great, it’s just too bad that all these animators and writers SUCK at comedy. They don’t have a funny bone in their body. It’s awkward and boring to the point where I don’t watch many comedy anime unless it’s tied into another genre and even then, it’s cringey and hard to watch.

On to drama. Drama is meh. It can be good, but it’s just not my thing. I really can’t say much, it’s just drama. Two people have a conflict, and you gotta resolve it. The end.

Magic; holy moly this is a good one. You got your action. You got your drama. You got your mythical worlds. Boy oh boy is this a good one. I like the one where they go and do magic to save the day. But uh oh! There seems to been an evil doer in the midst! The protagonist(s) gotta go shoot a fireball at the flying elephant to get a crystal that powers a time machine to go back and kill the antagonist as a baby o my god. This is why I like magic, because you can see the craziest stuff become reality and you’re like what did I just see? But you know what you just saw and it was amazing.

Well, it’s really hard to call what the best genre is, but objectively, and my personal favorite, romance is the best anime genre. Now where do we go from here? well , let’s look at the best romance cartoons. I’ve boiled the pot down to the three best romance anime based on character relatability and depth, the love interest, the reality of the romance, and how it makes me feel. The three best are Brothers Conflict, Diabolik Lovers, and My Life as a Teenage Robot. Now let’s look at these a little bit shall we?

Starting with Brothers Conflict, I really enjoyed this one. The plot is that a girl likes these boys, and the boys like her. The only problem: there are 13 boys. They are also all her step-brothers. Really great plot, great execution, and amazing romance vibes. I fell in love with the 14 main characters. They all connected really well, and just had a good time. 10/10.

Diabolik Lovers is about a girl in a house full of vampires. She loves the vampires, and the vampires love her. I don’t want to spoil much, but the love aspect is amazingly executed, and I felt as though I could relate to all of the characters in some form or another. Another 10/10, great japanimation.

My Life as a Teenage Robot? Masterpiece. The main character goes through these trials and tribulations as a robot and as a teen, fighting crime and dealing with your average teenager problems. The only part that I didn’t relate to was being a robot, but really aren’t we all robots of the system? I give this one a very solid 10/10.

Now, onto the decision process. How can we pick a winner if all the competitors got the same score? Well, I will choose one based on my opinion, because of course, my opinion is fact. Now, drumroll please, the winner is Teen Titans Go! This anime japanime has so many lovable characters, adventure, drama, tragedy, love, and so much more to offer. No matter who watches this, they will definitely love it. That is, of course, after the fact that anime is trash. Thank you for the question Reader, and have a repugnant rattlesnake.

Dear Carter, why is Grumpy Cat so grumpy?

Dear Reader, maybe it’s because people keep using old outdated memes that died 5 years ago. But who am I, a high tier meme expert, to know? It’s not like it’s my profession or anything. Thank you for the question, and have a drunken disaster.

Dear Carter, this has been on my mind for quite a while and it’s been worrying me. Why do some people so mistakenly think that Borderlands is better than Borderlands 2 when the opposite is so clearly true?

Dear Reader, Before I wrote the answer to your oh so imbecilic question, I did some research. And I must say, I was astonished at the results. See, I used to be a firm believer that Borderlands was many times better than its sequels. Boy was I wrong. It is infinitesimally better. Let’s go further into it.

Gameplay; gameplay in Borderlands imho was so much better than Borderlands 2. The flow of the game was smooth, and you are always challenged up until the end after you have farmed for overpowered gear. In BL2, you go through your second playthrough, and you have a god killing amount of power in your weakest gun. Challenge is a necessary factor to make any game fun, and where Borderlands did an amazing job with just the right difficulty, its sequel fell short.

Story; I’ll give you this, Borderlands 2 did have a more fleshed out story, but Borderlands was simple, and not forced. When BL2 was made, it took a finished puzzle, and taped a piece of cardboard to the side of it and drew a bad picture on it. While it did add a lot to the story, the story was previously complete. They just added more for the sake of making a new game and it could have been much better.

Replayability; both these games are 10/10 on replayability it’s a tie. I Believe that both of these games are the best for replayability unless you are talking about something like The Binding of Isaac which is a game centered around replaying and unlocking new things.

Weaponry; why do all of the guns in Borderlands 2 have to do 20 quintrillion damage and why do the enemies have to have 200 googilian cubed health? Just make a gun do like 300 damage with enemies who have 5000 health. Something simple.

Characters; The characters in BL2 are just a down graded reskin of the characters in BL1 (except for the dlc characters). Axton is just a hunk’s face glue sticked onto a trash can. Maya is Lilith but not as cool or good. Also, quick side note, why was Lilith such a bad character in BL2? She was super badass in the first game, and then she became an annoying character that just gets in your way and gets Roland killed. But she was nowhere near as bad as Angel. Angel was like Lilith but 100 times more annoying and naggy. Some other bad characters consist of: Tiny Tina (in her respective DLC, main game Tina was fantastic), Shade, and Tannis even though her character is supposed to be an annoying uptight person.

Those are most of my thoughts on why I believe that Borderlands is better than it’s sequel. It is very hard to describe my feelings about these games with words, and if you have the time I would suggest playing both of these games for yourself. Thank you for the question Reader, and have a gaming garrison!

Dear Carter, have you ever gone fishing?

Yes.

Dear Carter,

By Carter Bearden

Dating Devices

 

Dear Carter,
I’m sexy, single, and ready to mingle. So why don’t any chicks want to date me? I know it’s not my fault for the reasons previously mentioned, so tell me, how DO I pick up chicks, without getting any other restraining orders?

Dear Reader, women don’t just want a bodacious beefcake to use as their plaything. They want a more modest representation of a male. At least, that’s what i’ve been telling myself for the past few years. A woman wants someone to connect to with feelings and stuff. And if you don’t have a personality or you have a bad personality. I can’t help you too much Reader, because none of these factors of which I am top of my class in have worked to get the ladies. I will, however, continue to give you my wonderful advice.

Step one: put on a mask. Why be yourself when you can be someone much better? This is why I am never myself around anyone. I know it works because I have fooled so many people into thinking that I am many times the person I really am.

Step two: lead the conversation. Whenever you are talking to a female, dominate the conversation with your testosterone fueled masculinity. This shows that you are strong and a good leader, and that is really attractive.

Step three: dress to unimpress. A good first impression is going to go so far for your future relationship. If you want to seem approachable and cool, don’t go all out on your clothing. Just wear whatever you would on a rainy saturday. When people see this they go “Wow that person doesn’t care what other people think about him, that must mean he’s super down to earth and cool!” This is why you will always catch me wearing an unwashed shirt and sweatpants.

I hope that these dating tips work for you, and have a pretentious parsec.

 

Cool Carter

 

Dear Carter, why are you so cool?

I really don’t know. That is actually a lie, I do know but I am just so humble that I act like I don’t know why. I say that last sentence in the most humble way. I guess I am so cool because the people around me just aren’t. Way back when, while I was in the eighth grade, my cool started to emerge. I played the viola, and had a folder of hot pepe memes on my phone.

Since the emergence of my cool those few years ago, the coolest parts of me have grown exponentially. I really can’t help you find a definite answer, as it just comes naturally to me. Thank you for the question, and have a profound party!

 

Question Quarrel

Dear, Carter, what question do you hate to answer?

Dear Reader, I really hate it when people ask “What’s up?” Not because I don’t like talking to people, but because I never know how to respond. I used to just say nothing, but something clicked in me, and I then saw it as a greeting.

Now when someone asks me, I go through my options of answers which consist of: nothing, hey, or what’s up. In my mind I know that the expected answer from the asker is hey, but due to my previous habit of answering with nothing, these two thoughts conflict. Usually a jumbled up form of a greeting comes out, like “wh- hey” or “nmm- hello” or something awkward like that.  

It’s just not my favorite social interaction, and makes me feel awkward sometimes. But anyways, thank you for the question, and have a repetitive rhyme!

 

Squad Stigma

 

Dear All-Knowing Carter, What are we, some kind of Suicide Squad?

3/10. Bad use of an old meme with no context. Very poor meme and meme usage so I suggest that you improve your meme game and come back to me with something better. Thank you for your question, and have a salivating syrup.

Dear Carter,

by Carter Bearden

Forgiving Familiar Faces

Dear Carter, how do I find my way to forgiveness towards someone who really hurt my feelings?

Dear Reader, forgiving someone who has wronged you is tough, but knowing that you want to forgive them is already on the path to forgiveness. In my experience, time is the greatest healer, but can also make things worse. I have a friend who I upset, and I just waited for him to forgive me. While he did forgive me after a couple of months, things were never really the same between us. I think that, had I confronted him about it earlier, things would have been much better between us.

Also, I think that empathy is a large part of forgiveness. Using the same example, I felt really bad about being rude to my friend, and I don’t think he realized that. He probably was in the mindset that I didn’t care about what I had done, and who would forgive someone if they thought the other person didn’t care? Look at the dispute from different perspectives and then gauge the situation.

In short, I would suggest talking to the person who hurt you, work everything out, and then slowly reconnect with each other. Thank you for the question, and have a fabulous future.

Hair Helper

Dear Carter, everyone at Skybridge is always cutting their hair into the most interesting shapes. What should I do with my do in order to stay heads and shoulders above the competition?

Some might say that appearance doesn’t matter. That it is the person behind the hair that matters. I say that is loser talk. Hair game is everything in the world of looks, and at Skybridge, hair is like a regular high school’s football. It is everything, and to have the best hair, you have to view what makes great hair great, and increase and build upon that.

Now you could say that length or color are the main components of hair, but we can go wider. What is the one thing that everyone does with their hair? They wear it in the third dimension. “Well yes,” you might say, “Hair does exist in the third dimension. What of i
t?” I am proposing that if you want to be as meta as ironic 2009 rage comic memes, and image00have the most outgoing hair, you need to style it in the fourth dimension. Now, don’t ask me how to do this, because I barely understand the fourth dimension, but I know that you are smart enough and talented enough to pull this off.

Also get rainbow frosted tips and spike your hair. This will put you at the top of the hair game. Thank you for your inquiry, and have a large length.

Dancing in Dismay

Dear Carter, The Valentine’s Dance is this week and I don’t have a date! Is it ok to attend a dance without a date? Will other kids make fun of me? Bonus Question: What is your favorite slow song?

Dear Reader, let me tell you a story. A story of a school dance. A whimsical non-fiction tale of my experience at the O’Henry MS dance.

The year was 2016. I was in the eighth grade, and my school was having a dance. All of my friends were going, so I decide to go too. The only problem? I was so unapproachably amazing that no girl asked me out. I hadn’t asked anyone to the dance because if I had, that would have shown that I was a filthy casual on level with every other person at the dance.

I showed up in my finest jeans and a t-shirt that I don’t remember having been washed since I had worn it last. I met up with my friends and had a pretty good time. And the only thing that people made fun of me for was my ballin’ haircut that they just didn’t get.image01

The moral of the story is that you shouldn’t have a haircut like 14 year old me. Also that no one will care if you show up alone. Just do what you are comfortable with doing, and don’t be influenced by others to do something that you don’t want to unless it’s vaccination.

As for my favorite slow song, it would have to be “We Three Trees” from The Diary of a Wimpy Kid. Thank you for the
question, and have a miraculous minute.

Piaggio Pigs

Dear Carter, why can’t pigs actually fly?

Dear Reader, You are not thinking big enough. Relative to earth pigs can’t fly, but relative to the sun, for instance, we are all flying. But of course, that begs the question: if everyone is flying, then is no one flying? I will leave you with that thought. Thank you for the question, and have a yelling year.

DEAR CARTER,

The Schwammkopf Scare

Dear Carter,

They canceled SpongeBob and it isn’t on Netflix. I want to watch it in German, but I can’t find any whole episodes. Help!

 

Hey reader! I hear your cries, I too have wanted to watch many shows on Netflix, only to find that they weren’t there. To find your oh so precious episodes of SpongeBob, one might suggest Hulu. And while that is a great option, it is a paid service and I strongly believe in sharing things for free. So I am going to point you towards this German website that I found. I believe that this suits all of your needs. Thank you for the question and have a dashing day!

 

Time Travesty

Dear Carter,

What time is it?

 

10:33

 

Project Prognosis

Dear Carter,

What are some ways to stay focused on one project and not start 50 at once?

 

Dear Reader, ideally in a perfect society, everyone could do what they wanted, and everyone would supply everyone else’s needs. However, that is not the case as of current. For now, these tips must suffice.

Unless you don’t have a choice to do the project, be selective. Choose to do something that will be enjoyable, and is reasonably accomplished. Find something that you know you will be enjoying when you are halfway through.  

Second, make a timeline, and figure out goals that you want to accomplish in steps. Don’t try to do everything at once, and don’t get overwhelmed by a lot of things that need to be done. Plan your actions before executing them.

Finally, commit to your goals, and don’t be a perfectionist. If you are caught up on something because it isn’t exactly how you envisioned it, work around what you have, or come back to it later. Don’t let one small thing deter you from your goals.

As a wise man once said, ‘In proportion therefore, as the repulsiveness of the work increases, the wage decreases’ Just do whatever feels fit that will give you enjoyment, and give it your best work without struggling. Thank you for the question, and have a paramount present.

 

Falling Philosophy

Dear Carter,  I have two questions. First, if you could be any type of dinosaur, what would you be? Second, how did Sherlock survive the fall?

Dear Reader, I am baffled at the thought that you were in such a mindset to be of the belief that you could submit two questions in one ‘answer’ on the form. However, I am not opposed to this, and like the way you impugned the system with that clever trick.

To answer your first question, a giraffatitan.

As for your second, I looked at all the details and evidence I could find, and came to this conclusion: Sherlock Holmes is actually a fictional character, and the fall that he suffered was just a plot point in the hit BBC television series Sherlock. There, in fact was no ‘fall’, and I am willing to bet that they had a crane with ropes and a harness attached to the actor who plays the protagonist in this television show.

However, to play into your silly game, I think that the TV show is just a hyper extended heroin high. I believe that the parts of the show where Benderdatch Cumberthacth is high in are set in reality, while the crime fighting hero is all a crazy trip.

Thank you for your question, and have an insane instant.

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Hey all you curious minds, don’t forget to send in your questions. Whether it be about your cat or your garden or anything else, send them in.

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Article written by Carter Bearden, posted on January 31st, 2016.