Horoscope 5

By Odessa Green

Hello Dearies, your favorite Auntie is here! Get ready for a very interesting week.

 

Aries:

It looks like like you’ve got what might be the best week of the year for you. It started off well and just keeps getting better. You’re like that guy who won three lotteries in the same week, except with life!

Taurus:

Oh dear, I’d stay away from risky romantic gestures this week. This may not be your week in any number of ways, but your romantic destiny is, to put it mildly, at the bottom of the world’s biggest landfill, which has been set on fire, and nobody is trying to put it out because it’s ugly and they hate it anyway.

Gemini:

You’ve got very high luck with money, but that means both good and bad. With great risk, comes great reward. Or, possibly, great failure. You just have to ask yourself: “Is it worth the risk?”

Cancer:

Life is like a salad, except this salad is made from Walmart lettuce. Most of the time, you’ll get a big bite of juicy, genetically modified goodness, but sometimes half a leaf has turned rancid and rotten and it feels like you’ve got a mouthful of slug slime. That little bit of nasty, is your luck with time management. Things this week will be great, just don’t overload yourself dearie.

Leo:

You will step on a dog turd this week, metaphorically and quite possibly physically as well.

Virgo:

I know you need a foot massage this week, but you’re very much out of luck. Stay inside, lock the doors, keep the lights on, sleep only when you have to.

Libra:

Well look at you Princess! Give yourself a nice big pat on the back and say hello to a wonderful new week. Go out, take risks, be the beautiful butterfly you are and and life will reward you every time. At least for this week.

Scorpio:

Your week is so good, it it were any better your sweat would smell like roses and you would defecate gold.

Sagittarius:

Your week will have it’s ups and downs in the way a rollercoaster ride does. Great to terrible in the blink of an eye, at least you can say you won’t be bored. Grab your best pair of pants and your first aid kit and prepare for a bumpy ride.

Capricorn:

Prepare for bouquets of roses and a surprise return of favors. Lent money to a friend, you’ll get it back this week. Have a crush, you should tell them this week. Want to make a new friend, this week is your best friend. On the downside, you may get food poisoning.

Aquarius:

The only thing you have luck with is money. Buy a lottery ticket and some comfort ice cream, because both are exactly what you need,

Pisces:

Mild good luck is coming your way. Not brilliant, accidentally finding ten tons of gold when planting a rose garden good luck, but the kind of good luck that means you can wear ten inch heels and not break both ankles. Have a mildly fun week, and try a new flavor of ice cream out for your precious Auntie, it might just become your new favorite!

Horoscope: Week 4

By Odessa Green

Auntie O is very sick this week, so her Inner Eye is just going to cut to the chase. Each of you is going to pick a question, The Stars are going to answer it, and Auntie O is going to get back to sleeping away her sniffles.

Aries:

Yes.

Taurus:

Maybe? Maybe not.

Gemini:

Just don’t mess around about it.

Cancer:

It’s worse than you think.

Leo:

4

Virgo:

You know the answer already, Dearie.

Libra:

Take a deep breath.

Scorpio:

Get some sleep, Dearie, please.

Sagittarius:

I doubt even The Stars know the answer to this yet, Dearie.

Capricorn:

It’s not as bad as you think.

Aquarius:

No.

Pisces:

This isn’t the question you should be asking.

Horoscope: Week 2

By Odessa Green

Hello Dearies! We’re in for a good week, so let your hair down and have a bit of fun.

 

Aries:

 

Well then, you’re week is a bit stressful at first, full of conflict and horror. But after that, it’s all fun and games! Time to prepare for a metaphorical beach day. So grab a good book or a sword that needs sharpening and relax by the fireside with a glass of warm milk.

 

Taurus:

 

When the world comes a knock in it’s time to turn over, put the pillow over your ears, and go back to sleep. This week will be a bit of a daze, but that’s okay! At least every night sleep will be excellent. Even half asleep you’ll have to be really oblivious to notice the magnificent love coming your way dear reader.

 

Gemini:

 

At this point, I’m just going to say that to be safe you should stay inside and away for other people this week. Mars is out to get you. Hide.

 

Cancer:

 

It’s time to put on your cowboy boots, this week is going to be a shindig! Love, money, wide acclaim, everything is within your grasp. It’s your Power Week, so strut your stuff and buy some lottery tickets! Get your kicks in now while you still have the good luck to do it!

 

Leo:

 

Rock n’ Roll this week!

 

Virgo:

 

It’s time to let your hair down. This week is very mild, not too good, not too bad. So it’s safe to say nothing’s coming your way and you can just sit this one out with a nice hot cup of tea. No dark pits of despair or wild love affairs mean this week can be a break from everything that’s been going on.

 

Libra:

 

Your week is like a gentile sapling peeking out of the ground on an early spring day. Everything is a beautiful opportunity for growth, until someone steps on you and your stem snaps and you wither and die. Avoid confrontation this week and you’ll be fine, but in simple terms: once your week’s ruined it’s only going to get worse. But if it’s never ruined then you get to have lots of fun!

 

Scorpio:

 

With the spring comes the wildflowers, and this week you’re the prettiest wildflower of them all. Beauty in it’s truest form, there’s no such thing as a bad hair day for you this week!

 

Sagittarius:

 

Nothing important is going to happen, so just go and pick out a good book and wait for the week to pass.

 

Capricorn:

 

You ever think, maybe I should throw a party? Well this is the week to do just that! Have fun, throw a party with all your pals, laugh and sing and have a jolly good time!

 

Aquarius:

 

Take what’s yours this week with the big ol’ confidence boost coming your way! Don’t think about consequences or risks, just go out and do it! This is a week to take chances, get the girl, and make a name for yourself, so go on ahead and do just that!

 

Pisces:

 

Long lost love is coming your way, whether you want it to or not. But I bet you’re concerned about monetary success this week, so I’ll be a good Auntie and give you a head’s up on that too. You’ve got a lot of opportunities coming your way, but with everyone you waste your luck with money will get worse. So get confident!

 

Horoscope: Week 2

by Odessa Green

Well hello, dearest readers! It’s Auntie Odie here to tell you what The Stars have in line for you this week!

Aries

It’s time for the world to shower you with wonders. Gifts, money, helpful hints for life problems! Appreciate the glory while it lasts.

Taurus

This is a week to take one day at a time, not because everything’s bad, but because so much good can be very overwhelming! Take time to be thankful for each and every good thing and more will surely come. They say you get what you put out into the world, and now is definitely time to reap the rewards of your work!

Gemini

Honey…Dearest…it’s time to take a deep breath. If you keep on at this fast a pace you’re going to wear yourself out. Slow down and smell the flowers or risk ending up a gooey pile on the side of the road when you push yourself too far and make bad decisions due to stress and lack of sleep. What about a spa day or a mani-pedi at your favorite nail salon? All great ideas, but so is eating an orange and watching the sunset with your family. Whatever relaxes you, go for it.

Cancer

Dark days lie ahead, but that’s not a problem for you. You thrive in the dark. The cosy, warm dark. Just watch out for shadow beasts okay? Your fears lurk in the dark, and even if you know you can beat them with one hand tied behind your back, the fight isn’t always the best of experiences.

Leo

Might I say, what a dashing young fellow! You’ve got the charm, charisma, and people-pleasing skills to do anything you want to this week. Too bad you don’t have the energy. It’s a tiring week for you to do what you do. Maybe it’s because of the weather or a bad shrimp cocktail. Either way, make sure to get lots of shut eye!

Virgo

Sweet Mary, you’re a lucky one! Everything’s going right for you, no doubt about it at all! Not even the tiniest shred of bad luck! Everything’s fine, great, splendid, wondiferous!

Libra

Oh Honey, it’s time to find you a big, strong man! He’ll love you and cherish you for the rest of his days, or at least he’ll try to. Or maybe he’s out to kill you while you sleep. You never know about those big, strong men. They’re a mysterious bunch. But with Jupiter in your corner, you’re sure to run into at least one of these rare specimens this week!

Scorpio

It’s time to lick your wounds, Deary, because you’ve got a nice period of respite to nurse your grudges. Your emotions are in turmoil and your body is too. Make sure you have a bowel movement at least once a day, drink lots of water, and pump the bellows of anger in your heart until it’s time to let it all out. I promise, soon, vengeance will be yours.

Sagittarius

Oh you lovebird! Watch as romance blossoms full right before your very eyes. Steal a kiss under the moonlight, give your honey bear a hug, set up a romantic date night; it’s all just peachy! You’ve got a week with Venus on your side so don’t waste it.

Capricorn

It’s time to get riled up! This is your Power Week. Get on up there and fight, fight, fight! Sock ‘em right in the kisser, Deary, but watch out for snakes waiting in the shadows. Remember that the brighter you burn, the deeper your shadows will be. Get ready to burn bright, take down your enemies, and protect your backside!

Aquarius

Oh Deary, at least you’ve got a shoulder to cry on.

Pisces

It’s time to get down with your bad self! You’re in a jazzy mood, I can just tell. Well, don’t bottle it up; let the world see you show off those dancing pants! As a side note, wild financial success is yours this week, but who cares when you can just dance those worries away?

 

Article written By Odessa Green, Published February 10th, 2017

Weekly Horoscopes

by Odessa Green

 

We’ve got a doozy this month! All the planets are in Direct Motion, spinning at the same rate as the Earth! Now let’s see what that has in store for all of you:

Aries:

Your warlike nature is in for a blast. On the other hand, fight after fight is tiring, so look for chances to rest. Take advantage of Mars’ closeness to Earth to go after something that matters to you and stab life in the gut until it gives you what you want! Fire yourself up for a bloody month!

Taurus:

You go girl! With Venus on your side it’s time for romance to spring anew in this new year. Stand above the peons like the love goddess you are! Don’t worry about failure, this week you’re irresistible. Now go get ‘em!

Gemini:

The planets spinning together means your dual nature is spinning together too. But this isn’t all good. Expect mood swings as much as aligned successes. You might be a pain to be around for those not used to such a dramatic nature. My suggestion: lock yourself in your room and wait out the week.

Cancer:

While you might be one big crab, you’ll be anything but crabby this week! Business success is coming your way. Grab that money and save it up, because the rest of this year doesn’t look so great for you in that respect. Now go out and lie your way into a raise!

Leo:

Roar you big beautiful beast! Then get quiet real quick. Your biggest ally Jupiter isn’t with you this week, so keep your head down. Don’t get into fights, don’t take on new projects, just keep your head in the sand and wait. Seriously, this is not a good week for you. Take it slow, take it easy, and don’t take any chances!

Virgo:

Oh my dear, I can’t wait to see what this week holds for you. So many options, so many choices, so many chances. Don’t waste your good luck, but beware bad luck too. Everything is in your favor, but that sometimes means The Stars are setting you up for a fall. Enjoy it while it lasts sweetheart!

Libra:

You are a righteous force, but not this week! Too many influences leave you stumped on what to do. Think you’ve got an course of action you can stick with? Think again, you’ll have a new course in like a day. Do you want love? Yes. Do you want money? Yes. Do you want justice? Of course you do! But you can’t get any of those this month, so just sit your butt down and meditate.

Scorpio:

Sting! Sting! Sting! You’re Aries’ main opponent this month so get ready for a fight. Aries’ will be hostile to you, sometimes even downright deadly! So arm yourself little scorpion, and hope The Stars have mercy on you when the warriors squash you under their heels.

Sagittarius:

You may not like to dwell on the past, but this week the past has come back with a vengeance. Will it bring good things or bad? The choice is up to you! Unresolved issues will be resolved one way or another, so try to find a happy ending. On the bright side, is you can get that over with quickly, there might be a bit of romance coming. Maybe.

Capricorn:

Have you ever heard the phrase “drama bomb”? Well that’s you this week, drama 24/7. You can try to cage the goat, but it just won’t work. Let your inner diva out and parrrrrrrrtay!

Aquarius:

You watery nymph you! Oozing beauty and charisma, all the planets are aligned just for you. Put on your best clothes and strut your stuff! Whatever you want is yours this week. All you have to do is reach out and take it. Cut the unworthy with your quick tongue and let your sassy walk do the rest.

Pisces:

Don’t. Just don’t do anything this week. Honestly I wouldn’t even risk breathing. Good luck, you’ll need it.